| Leg. |
[Feb. 8th, 2010|01:27 pm]
lapak
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(Recap for those of you I haven't seen lately: almost two weeks ago now, I woke up with a painful right ankle. Limping around on it and ignoring it did not, in fact, make it go away; I saw my doctor on Friday and he is supposed to call me with the results of various tests and x-rays today.)
Having a leg that causes non-negligible pain to walk is turning out to be a real hassle. I am tired from being in low-grade pain whenever I'm not sitting down, it's making me irritable, and it makes me feel like an entirely different person.
Normally, I move *constantly.* I move because I enjoy movement. I fidget, I shift, I pick things up and put things down, and (much to the amusement of my coworkers) I often skip, gallop or run to get where I'm going rather than walking because it makes me happy. Unceasing, unplanned motion is a pretty important facet of the Me at a level I wasn't fully aware of until now. Needless to say, it is impossible to skip on a lame leg.
I am, if anything, fidgeting MORE because of it; I was playing with the teabag tags hanging out of my cup while I read that last paragraph over. But it's getting to me in a - mental? spiritual? psychological? - sense to be tied to one place. I pace to think, I pace to take a break. People have given me a hard time (in a nice way, usually) before because I have my nose in a book while I walk, but the truth is as much that I read while I walk as it is that I walk while I read.
Right now, I've got the bad ankle tucked under the good knee to warm and stabilize it. It has been there for five minutes. That's too long for it to be still, and I can feel that fact all the way up my calf and into my thigh - there is potential motion there that it's taking a not-quite-conscious effort to restrain.
I am already sick of this, and we're moving steadily from 'unhappy about it' to 'this is unbearable.' If the doctor tells me that there's no real solution except to stay off it, I'm going to I-don't-even-know-what. Probably nothing, because there won't be anything to do but grin and bear it. I'm going to have to get a handle on it to prevent it from turning me into a jerk, though; I am becoming annoyed with people who are offering to help me BECAUSE they are offering to help me, which is an idiotic reaction. My gut response is 'no, I don't need a ride / a crutch / you to get me X, I can get it myself,' but that is me being stupid and if I have reacted that way to you lately, I apologize.
On the optimistic side, perhaps I will find out an hour from now that we know exactly what the problem is and I'll be fine in a week. But in the mean time this was digging around in my head and I needed to express it. |
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